


I'm (not) okay

by LonelyAngel



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Crying, Suicidal Thoughts, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 09:53:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11438391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LonelyAngel/pseuds/LonelyAngel
Summary: Tyler has reached everything he ever dreamt of. But with the end of Blurryface, the pressure to produce new music, better music increases and Tyler doesn't know if he can take it.





	I'm (not) okay

They were okay. Somehow, they got bigger and bigger, they played shows in front of thousends and they had reached so much. It still seemed unreal to Josh when he got recognized on the street, it didn't matter if it was in his hometown or in a forgein country. He still wasn't used to their big, dedicated fanbase.  
A fanbase that made their dreams come true, that understood what they wanted to express with their songs. But with every new clique member, with every show they played and every award they won, the pressure increased. The pressure to make new music, to create something bigger and better than Blurryface.  
Tyler had changed over the years. He had doubted himself at the beginning when he sat in his basement, recording songs and writing his feelings down, always trying to find the right words.  
Vessel was a milestone. People started to recognize them. People went to shows more than once and listened to them playing. They started to realize how many people they reached with their music. Then, a new era, hits, billboard charts, a grammy. Within a few years, their fanbase reached an incredible number.  
So many people connected by music, but too many to remember a single person. And they were the connection to them. All pressure lasted on their shoulders and sometimes Tyler thought about quitting music.  
It was not like he was sick of it, he wasn't, he just wondered what would happen if he wouldn't release the promised album, if he would just kick himself out of the band and have a calm and peaceful life with his wife. It wasn't a very serious thought, though, and Tyler loved playing music way too much to quit it.  
But the thought was there, lingering inside his mind, buried under lyrics and positive memories, but sometimes it popped up out of nowhere.  
He didn't know what was the trigger. It was a slow built he thought when he thought about it.  
Tyler had been more or less fine over the last few years. He hadn't been very suicidal before, he just loved to play with the thoughts and imagine the reactions of the world, if he would just disappear, but he never did it, he just kept these thoughts safely in a corner of his mind.  
It was difficult, much press and pressure and he was lucky that he wasn't followed very often by paparrazi.  
But sometimes, it was too much. Tyler had learned to grit his teeth when his mind was filled with these thoughts and not to show what was wrong. He had to be okay, right? His life was... perfect.  
It was at the end of the tour, they went to a hotel to stay the night. Tyler and Josh were happy, they made jokes and played phone pinch in the elevator. Josh almost dropped his phone and Tyler giggled when he saw it. He was happy until he was in his hotel room, alone. Jenna was at home in Ohio, he'd see her again soon and Josh had his own room. That was one part of being famous, they didn't have to share rooms and beds anymore, they had enough money to stay at fancy hotels. And of course, Tyler didn't need Josh to be with him to fall asleep. Of course not, he thought bitterly. He was grown-up, old enough to fight these dark thoughts in his head alone. He didn't need the comfort of his best friend. And, what would the people think if they saw Josh and Tyler sleeping in the same room?  
Right. It would cause another wave of Joshler rumors.  
So, Tyler sat on the bed, head buried in his hands, desperately trying to get rid of all the voices that reminded him that he had to be better, to work harder, that people expected new music, better music, songs that would be in the charts and a new tour, although the old one wasn't over yet.  
He just couldn't see the end. Tyler loved the music, he really did, he just wanted a break, to relax and clear his mind. But what if people would forget about the band? What if he'd lose his fans because they got tired of waiting?  
Tyler started to cry. He just wanted to live his dream without being under pressure all the time. He just wanted to enjoy his life.  
But people were hungry, hungry for new music and he knew they wouldn't wait long. What if they would dislike his new music? He had exposed his soul in the last album, was there even the possibility to create something better?  
He was afraid, he was insecure, but he didn't show it.  
Tyler's body was shaken by sobs and the tears were streaming down his face, but he was okay.  
  
He was okay.  
  
He had to be.


End file.
